That feeling when someone does not text you back
Ah, that awkward feeling. You sent someone a text and they have not responded. Why not? Your mind cannot stop worrying about it.
Maybe it is not a text message. Maybe it is a voicemail, or an email, or any message. It disappears into the ether, and nothing has returned. Are they dead? Have you upset them? What is going on?
The answer is anxiety. Anxiety is what is happening here. What can we do about it?
How the paranoia sets in
Sometimes, we send a message, and it has no emotional attachment. We can send it and forget about it. Often, though, we are looking for some response to the message and that response has emotional significance to us.
Let's look at some of the scenarios we may run into.
| You send | You worry |
|---|---|
| An invite to hang out with you | They are ignoring you. They do not want to hang out with you. They have plans. They do not like you. They are trying to come up with an excuse. |
| A joke | Have they taken in the wrong way? Are they upset? Are they offended and now think less of you? |
| A response to their question that you suspect they did not want (for example, declining to hang out with them because you already have plans) | Are they upset? Offended? Do they think you are shunning them? That you do not like them? |
| A request for a favour | They do not want to do it. They feel uncomfortable that have you asked them. They might say no. |
| Letting them know you have arrived at a meeting place | They are not coming. They are going to leave you sitting here. They are dead. They are going to think you are paranoid. |
| A message just to chat | They are ignoring you. They do not want to talk to you. Some harm has come to them so that they cannot respond. They are dead. |
Whatever the situation, you send the message and hear nothing back. You begin to worry more and more. You cannot stop thinking about it. You feel on-edge, waiting for them to get back to you. It is uncomfortable.
Knock, knock
This is classic anxiety. Perhaps it is social anxiety if you are worried that you have upset them. Or, more general anxiety, if you are worried they have come to harm.
In either case, you probably know deep-down that these are most the most logical explanation for them not returning your message straight away. They are plausible, which is what makes them so dangerous. But they are not likely.
What is likely, then?
If someone does not respond to you straight away, it is probably because they are busy. This is especially true when you leave someone a voicemail: if they did not answer their phone when we rang them, why would we then expect them you call us straight back?
Here are some more likely explanations for them not responding straight away:
They are busy: if I am in the middle of something, I may not check my phone. Even if I do, it has to be pretty important to respond to straight away.
They do not hear it: people put their phone on silent and do not always hear the message alert.
Their battery is dead: this happens a lot, right? Phone battles only last a day.
They have run out of credit: for anyone using pay-as-you-go, this is a genuine threat.
Their phone is in the other room: I move about the house and do not always take my phone with me, especially if I am carrying my daughter around.
Their phone is somewhere else: Maybe they are swimming or playing sport. I do not take my phone with me in either of these activities.
They forget about it: I sometimes read a message and think "I must respond to that". Then, because I have read it, the little unread icon disappears, and I forget about it. I only spot it hours later and realise my mistake.
Their phone is broken: it happens from time to time. Maybe they dropped it and smashed their screen.
They are asleep: maybe they are taking a nap. Or, if it is night time, maybe that was the last message they sent before going to sleep.
They are nearly there: if I am meeting someone, and I am two minutes away, I do not bother to text them back saying I will be there in a minute. What's the point? I can tell them in person shortly.
They need to check their diary: and their partner's diary. When I get a party invite, I have to check with my wife before I RSVP for the both of us.
As I have outlined here, there are a dozen very plausible reasons why someone may not respond to us straight away. Of course, that is not the feelings that our anxiety brings to mind.
It happens to you too, right?
When we think about it, we are probably on the other side of the lens on a regular basis. Yes, I stress out when people do not respond to be immediately.
However, when someone messages me, I do not always respond to them right away. I have other priorities. I am busy. There are times when I am not checking my phone.
It is easy to understand these reasons when it is someone messaging us, rather than us messaging them.
What do we do about it?
As usual, it comes down to challenging these thoughts. We understand very well why someone may not get back to us straight away. However, our anxiety presents us with a different range of thoughts and feelings instead.
When it does, we need to ask ourselves if this is the most likely explanation, or whether it is far more likely to be one of the other reasons I outlined above.
Secondly, add a behavioural element. Do not sit by your phone waiting for them to text you back. Put your phone in the next room. Ignore it. Act like someone who is not worried about when they will respond to you. This will make it easier for your thoughts to move on to something else.
Summary
When we send a message with emotional significance, it feels uncomfortable when people do not respond to us straight away. However, when we look at it from the other side of the lens, we understand that there are a dozen reasons why someone might not.
When we find ourselves worrying about this, we need to remind us that it is the anxiety talking. We need to consider all of the far more likely options. Finally, we need to act like someone who is not stressing out about waiting for a reply.
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Published 23 October 2017. Written by Chris Worfolk.